decide.
On Instagram this week, I asked the question: Do you make decisions using your heart or your instincts? And the answers were split right down the middle, 50/50. I’ll be honest, the longer I thought about the differences between the two, the more they melded together and I ended up very confused and with different questions than I started with. Are heart and instinct the same thing with a different name tag? Is the distinction between the two important? And what does it actually mean to “follow” them? Where does logic fit in? Or love?
Jeez, talk about overwhelming. No wonder half of you admitted that you’ve made a life-altering decision you regretted years later. It’s. Really. Effing. Hard.
One of the biggest decisions I’ve ever made was to leave school at the Art Institute of Seattle (may they rest in peace) give up my 50% tuition scholarship and move back to Chelan just two quarters in to my degree. There were so many factors influencing that decision that I STILL can’t tell you for sure if I made it based on anything worth it’s salt. It’s a move I’ve never regretted, but I’m not sure I can accredit the outcome to good decision-making practices.
Making hard choices is a shared burden for all of humanity, the thing that sets us apart from the beasts. It’s the ability to defy the basic survival instincts engrained in our brains and make choices based on things like love, money and fear. It’s what you talk about with your girlfriends over cocktails, what you toil over in your journal. The things that keep you awake at night.
Do I, or don’t I?
How are we ever supposed to trust ourselves to make the “right” decision when the older we get, the more complicated and monumental those decisions become? And how do we determine when our heart/instinct/intuition is fueled by love or fear? Honestly, I have no clear answers to share. I’m just flying by the seat of my pants like the rest of you, doing my best to cross bridges as I come to them. All I have for you today is a little narration of a decision I had to make a few years ago that dramatically changed the course of my life.
In December 2016, I found myself facing what felt like a monumental decision.
Do I want to date this guy.
Our first date ended in a handshake, or at least the verbal equivalent of one. He later admitted that he left feeling rejected and disappointed, the date having been his last effort at wooing me. But for me, it was the beginning of the beginning. I proceeded to think really, really hard for the next two days.
I don’t think deciding to date someone is usually such a big deal, but I was thoroughly enjoying being single for the first time in my adult life. I had a new, delicious freedom that my heart desperately wanted to hold on to. The thought of slipping back into codependency and stressful day-to-day interactions made me sick to my stomach. And let’s be honest, he wasn’t my usual type (you know, a project with lots of “potential”) He was a ready-to-ship, confident, highly available dude…with a big fat crush on me.
I know, I know. Seems like an obvious decision, right? For some reason I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. Do I want to date this guy. My usual decision-making cues were misfiring, and what I felt like I probably should do wasn’t necessarily what I really wanted to do. Don’t get me wrong, I totally thought he was a catch with qualities that any woman would covet. But I had known him most of my life…wouldn’t it have already dawned on me in the last 20 years that we were a good match? He had dated someone who I was once very close with…isn’t that like a cardinal girl sin? What would our friends and family think? I confided in a few trusted people and got a resounding “Go for it!” but their opinions held little weight against my inner monologue. How could anyone possibly understand how important this decision was to my well-being? Even aside from all of that, the honest truth is that I just didn’t have that ooey gooey, can’t-feel-my-toes feeling that had guided my love life up until that point.
Looking back, I believe what felt like a colossal clash of head and heart was actually my 26-year-old brain reconciling the fact that I hadn’t faced a choice like that in my adult life. I had new and improved tools in the toolbox, and weilding them felt clunky and awkward, almost like a betrayal of myself - my old tools. I’d never previously considered a romantic interest based on whether they would be a good partner for me. I had always let my feelings lead the way, which had only ever led to heartache in the end.
I think we all know where my decision ultimately landed: Date the guy, and maybe even let yourself enjoy it.
I made a decision based on what I knew was good for me in a logical sense and let my heart take a back seat for once. I will always be a heart-on-my-sleeve kinda girl, but it’s one of my greatest desires to live a balanced life. On an emotional scale of Sociopath to Kim Kardashian, I’m probably somewhere around a 7 or 8, so it’s important for me to consider the logical side of things in order to make a balanced decision. I’m not here to tell you emotional folks that you shouldn’t trust your feelings/heart/instincts, because I do believe those things are valuable cues that deserve attention. I just know that, as an emotional person, what I identify as my internal compass is highly susceptible to pain, fear and past failures - none of which are very good at making sound decisions.
Don’t worry, I didn’t end up in a loveless relationship that’s great on paper - that ooey gooey feeling developed over time. For the first time in my life, I had chosen a partner I was compatible with vs. one who simply gave me butterflies. Turns out the former begets the latter, and I happened to hit the jackpot in both. I’ve known for a long time that deciding to date him was a good choice, but it was officially confirmed a few weeks ago, because when he asked me to be his wife, a wholehearted “YES!” was the easiest monumental decision I’ve ever made.
So where does that leave you and that ‘Do I, or don’t I?’ that’s currently rolling around between your ears? The best advice I could ever give is to take a balanced approach. Even though you might be able to get by with day-to-day decisions by relying on your heart or natural instincts (which I’ve unofficially decided are different ways of saying the same thing), consider the idea that you might need to utilize more than one tool to handle the big stuff. Not sure if you have enough tools in your toolbox? Consider asking someone else to lend you a hammer. Tired of the toolbox puns? Perfect, that means I’ve pounded that nail in all the way.
Love Always,
Sarah