day 365.
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
It’s been a year since I decided to take a hiatus from posting on my personal Instagram. I’m pleased with the progress I’ve made in my journey towards breaking up with social media, and I have a few things to share about the experience.
First of all, I royally failed at the promise I made 85 days ago. The ugly truth is that I hardly even tried to stop scrolling at all. I’ve thought about this quite a bit, and even though I can come up with all kinds of excuses for why I gave myself permission to do it despite my promise, I think the more important truth lies within the bigger picture (see below.) My convictions about protecting my privacy and limiting what I project about my personal life to the masses are strong. I hated the me that would take photos of a sunset purely with the intention of posting it later. I hated the me that wrestled with capturing a moment in my phone vs. in my mind. I hated the me that wanted to show off the best bits of my life to people who weren’t invested in me on a regular basis.
I was letting too many pieces of myself go towards things that were never going to fill me up in return. On this day last year, I decided enough was enough and that I was going to redirect the energy I was putting into curating my Instagram feed into my real life.
The results?
In 2019 I took 2,886 photos. In 2020, I took 667. That means that roughly 2,219 moments went by this past year that I decided to capture in my memory instead of my sim card. So, I’m pretty proud of that. I no longer feel that urge to take a photo every time I see something beautiful or do something interesting. I’m nearly done with my first pregnancy and most of you have no idea what I look like or how it’s been going unless you’ve reached out to me or seen me in person. And I’m 100% okay with that. Pregnancy has been a (forgive the cliche) beautiful journey for me and my body has adapted well to this growing belly. The social-media-minded part of me whispers “Sarah, you look great at 8 months pregnant, why wouldn’t you want to share that with everyone you know??” But the new part of me, the one that has been keeping the pieces of herself closer to home, lets that whisper float into the wind…because she knows it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that I’ve had a healthy pregnancy with no complications and, in a few short weeks, this little life I’ve been incubating will join us earth-side. The way I look and the way people perceive me as a pregnant woman is completely inconsequential — to anything, really. Stepping away from sharing my life online has given me the clarity to realize things like this. The things that actually matter.
THE BIGGER PICTURE
Limiting my outgoing energy in 2020 was wildly successful and came with so many benefits, the scope of which I probably haven’t even realized yet. But it has become clear to me that the outgoing energy was a battle I was ready to face, which made it fairly easy to win.
It’s the incoming energy, the consumption that turned out to be the real fight.
I made and broke countless promises to myself about scrolling through my Instagram feed. It got to a point where people would say things like “Oh, you probably didn’t see that since you’re not on Instagram anymore” and I just stood there, filled with shame and let them think that I didn’t know what they meant. Why was it so hard to admit that I hadn’t been sticking to my plan? Nobody else cared besides me.
After some heavy pondering and self reflection, I think what I’ve concluded is that it all comes down to denial of the real problem — discipline. I have struggled with self control my entire life, and it all boils down to a simple truth about myself that isn’t fun to admit:
I don’t like to do things that I don’t feel like doing, and I let myself indulge in the things I do feel like doing.
Which might sound like a grand way to live, but it comes with SO many problems. Like ending up in situations I wasn’t ready for as a young girl. Like staying in a broken relationship for way too long. Like constantly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Like letting down my business partner and clients because I couldn’t stick to a consistent work schedule. When I look back on my life and consider all the best things about it, many of those things were born from discipline. Discipline is a good thing, and I’m open to having more of it in my life.
WHAT DOES ALL OF THAT MEAN FOR 2021?
I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean: I’m not planning some grand announcement for 2021. This particular hurdle is going to require something way more complex than a public fast — we’re talking about overcoming a lifetime struggle to avoid the things I know aren’t good for me. Scrolling on social media is one of those things, but it’s not the only thing. And if I know anything about self work, it’s that it doesn’t do much good to put a bandaid on the individual issues if you ignore the root of the problem. I’ll be doing a deep dive into self reflection and growth in 2021. I’ll share what I feel like sharing, but most of it will be a long-term, daily battle within myself.
I’m somewhat undecided on my Instagram posting habits in the new year. It almost seems like a waste to go back to it when I’ve been doing so well without it, but part of me is curious to see if it’s actually possible to post responsibly. Instead of continuing to break promises to myself about not scrolling, I’m going to put my energy into limiting my phone time in general, which I’m hoping will come naturally since I’ll be busy soaking up every single glorious moment with my new little family. Jesse and I are committed to raising our kids to be present, dynamic citizens of the world instead of screen zombies, and living by example is the only way to do that.
2020 hasn’t been all bad for me. In fact, I have a long list of great things that happened for me this year, and I’m feeling very lucky and privileged to be able to say that. I’m not ending this year with a “good riddance,” but rather a healthy respect for a fact we’ve always known: The only thing constant in life is that it’s constantly changing. Nothing is promised or certain, which makes it all the more important to live in the moment and focus on what’s right in front of you. I’m ready for the growth. For the heart expansion of becoming a parent. For all the possibilities that a new year promises.
Thank you to the seven of you who have consistently read these stream-of-consciousness posts over the last year. Writing has been a positive outlet for me and it’s something I plan to continue as I feel inspired. My journey in figuring out the best way to contribute to the online world is ongoing and ever-changing, but it’s built on a solid foundation and lifelong commitment to intentionality and self awareness. I would encourage all of you to avoid (or depart) the “2020 Sucks” train and try to treat it like any other year. Consider the ways you’ve grown and expanded. Reflect on the good things that happened in the midst of the challenges. And know that every single day we have the choice to adjust our perspective and view the world with love-colored lenses. Cheers to 2020, to the year ahead and to each one of you!
All My Love,
Sarah