day 54.

Here I am 54 days into my Instagram-free year and, yes, I’m alive!

I’ve been waiting to write an update on this venture until I came upon some glorious truth that I couldn’t wait to share, but the reality is that being off of Instagram has been easy. On day three or four I was doing some online shopping on my phone and my husband said something along the lines of “Is that your new thing to scroll?” WHOOPS…caught me red-handed. It was a good moment because it made me highly aware of how often I reach for something to absentmindedly peruse while avoiding more pressing thoughts or activities (i.e. dishes.) It wasn’t news to me that I had been using Instagram as a salve for anxiety but, mid-indulgence, I definitely tried to convince myself otherwise. I’m just catching up with friends. I’m just trying to stay current because I’m in marketing. I’m just checking to see what this girl I went to elementary school with had for dinner a week ago. I’m only going to be on for five minutes. Okay fifteen minutes. Okay three hours. I AM NOW ONE WITH MY PHONE SCREEN.

The act of reaching for something to soothe anxiety and then realizing it isn’t there is sort of like when you go to grab a spoon and then remember that you moved the silverware drawer to the other side of the kitchen. There’s a moment where you’re like “Whyyyyy??” and then another moment shortly after where you recall the long list of reasons why it made more sense to have them by the plates instead of the spices. I did this for a reason, and I will get used to it eventually. And here I am, pretty darn used to it. I don’t miss the endless scrolling or the uncertainty of what/when to post. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on content because I end up hearing most of the news-worthy things in other ways. And I feel good about going about my everyday life with just me and whoever else is with me in a given moment. It’s been a real, glorious breath of fresh air.

In the interest of transparency, my claim of being Instagram-free isn’t 100% accurate. I still have the app on my phone and post on various business accounts, which means every time I log in, I do see whatever the latest post is at the top. And a time or three, I’ve even read the caption. I’ve EVEN caught myself scrolling a few times out of habit, but it only takes one swipe to be like wooooooah nelly, not supposed to be doing that. At first I found myself opening the app “just to see” if I had any messages, since my cell services is basically non-existent at home and I do some of my communicating through my DMs. Solved that problem by turning on my notifications so I’d know if I had a message without having to check. Figuring out how to stay true to my goal without deleting the app entirely hasn’t come without some whoopsies and problem solving, but being extreme about it was never the point for me.

I just wanted to see what would happen if I took the energy I put into Instagram and funneled it into other areas of my life.

This was truly tested for the first time last weekend on the annual Allen Family Trip when we visited San Juan Island. It was the first time I had been somewhere “sharable” where I had a chance to feel what it was like to enjoy a trip without documenting it for everyone else. The only people who knew I went somewhere cool were the ones I had chosen to tell. And that felt GREAT. I loved the idea that someone could ask me “What did you do last weekend?” and genuinely not know vs. pretending not to have already seen my 12-panel Insta story. I sent some photos to my parents and a couple friends, but otherwise the beautiful memories of that trip were mine alone. Don’t get me wrong, I took some photos. And I even thought “Hmm, maybe I should post about this trip on my blog.” But isn’t that just the same thing in a different package? I couldn’t rightly say I had overcome my compulsive need to document my life online if I just funneled it somewhere else, right? I do believe documentation of life is an important practice, and I find tremendous value in writing down my experiences and having something concrete to share with my friends and family.

It’s when the documentation interrupts the memory itself that I feel icky about it.

During our travels in Ireland last year, I spent about an hour each night composing a video for my Insta story that summarized the days’ activities. It ended up not only being an easy way to share my adventures with my friends and family, but also a nice way for Jesse and I to reminisce. I spent at least two days in complete shock from his proposal halfway through the trip, so it was helpful to have a reminder of what we did while my brain was in jello’d bliss. That being said, there were definitely times where I put curating my Instagram story above enjoying whatever we were doing at the time.

This year, we’re traveling to Norway. Effing NORWAY. I feel like it’s going to be the ultimate test of my Instagram fast because it’s literally filled to the brim with some of the most beautiful, post-worthy scenery in the world. But here’s the other thing about me and travel: I tend to get wound up into an anxious fast-forward-frenzy when I’m doing something new and exciting. If I let it take over, it literally robs me of my ability to enjoy whatever the thing is. I’m too wrapped up in thinking about whatever’s next that I end up on the other side wondering if I dreamed the whole thing, wishing I could go back and try again. That’s something I identified about myself many years ago and have taken concrete steps towards preventing, but it still takes a focused effort not to get sucked in to that particular anxiety tornado. I did a pretty darn good job staying present in Ireland, so I’m excited to see how that might improve on a trip that’s totally Instagram-free.

At the end of the day, this is what lingers in my mind: The longer we live, the fuller our brains get and the harder it is to recall things. and I desperately want these once-in-a-lifetime things to stick around for awhile. So where’s the balance in being present in the moment while still preserving memories? Maybe documenting things on my blog isn’t as treasonous as I’m making it out to be. After all, I’m pretty sure there’s only about 6 of you reading this ;-) so maybe my challenge should be less about avoiding documentation altogether and more about discerning when it’s worth it to take my phone out of my pocket vs. just looking at the beautiful thing and filing it away in the ‘ole memory bank.

Have you had success with documenting a trip while effectively staying in the moment? What rules or guidelines do you have in place for traveling well? PLEASE share your thoughts, experience, advice, etc. etc. etc. with me below.

Love Always,

Sarah